tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56985702011-07-07T18:50:14.884-05:00Sporadic IS besttrips.travels.tribulations?sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comBlogger2321100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-28675874259996085652010-01-18T09:40:00.002-06:002010-01-18T09:44:19.696-06:00resolutionsmore flossingshoebox systemvolunteer with the elderlymore dancingmore vegetablesmore journalingbloggingmore backrubsmore baths'i love you's are definitely better out than in.sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-66842941737130698802010-01-03T08:35:00.002-06:002010-01-03T08:45:10.661-06:00dreamers dreamingthere's so much work to be done: big work. the kind that takes years of careful, meticulous planning. collecting and stowing; fermenting and seeping; distilling, solidifying, purifying. repeat. fueled on books and kisses, guided by instinct and wise advice.every day is a new question. answers flutter in the trees and roll in on the waves, sparkling on a windy day....and so 2010 sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-15743111604365621082009-11-23T03:11:00.001-06:002009-11-23T03:11:47.071-06:00je t'aime, tu m'aimesawwwwwwwww. so lovely.sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-72570837852540708042009-08-07T04:20:00.002-05:002009-08-07T04:23:18.838-05:00itchyraining lots here. don't think i'm eating enough vegetables. suddenly being self-conscious about how people perceive what i say -- think i'll just shut up. in the rain. what's next?sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-79226591759669071822009-07-11T10:01:00.002-05:002009-07-11T10:03:57.951-05:00sleepy saturdaycleaning in preparation for guests! you are the book that i read each day; you are the song that i singsheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-51466171320642755352009-07-08T07:34:00.003-05:002009-07-08T07:37:56.548-05:00too longwill try not to beat myself up about that. but time flies when you're building a new life (finding new love?). petting the cat and watering my tomatoes, visiting the tate and trains to scotland. late-night beers and skinny-moon-dipping, pianos and philosophy, euros and pounds, kisses and hugs.sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-58300331540774407562009-02-25T14:57:00.002-06:002009-02-25T15:09:55.035-06:00it's nuvaTimenational health. walk in, walk out with cheap prescriptions. every 18-year-old is given the hpv vaccine here, without the $350 fee you'd get back home. i know it's not all perfect for everyone all the time, but really. really. yes, the downside is no nuvaring. yet. so it's back to the machinations of the ever-particular pill. au revoir to the reassuring translucent infuser of sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-44621640498782088862009-02-23T16:54:00.001-06:002009-02-23T16:56:16.520-06:00"there is no better time for innovation or invention than when facing broken systems."thanks for the big reminder, acumen fund. you inspire me.sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1324764175100264712009-02-19T16:53:00.002-06:002009-02-19T16:59:12.949-06:00"show me show me show me how to do that trick; the one that makes me scream"lots is up; not much down. mostly forward, just digesting. and petting my kitty. pondering recession in a world that seems not to mind leaving people and lives behind. negotiating wet cobblestones in heels (and playing guitar silently on a power grid that's too hot for my amp). pints and pies. sushi, bear market, sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-64878780591351909402008-11-10T17:32:00.000-06:002008-11-10T17:33:19.302-06:00teach us all about lovesheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-73581375475157721112008-11-05T10:55:00.003-06:002008-11-05T10:58:29.099-06:00i can breathe again8 long, torturous years. a huge weight has been lifted off all of our shoulders and we can now re-learn how to holds our heads high.so, i cry, because i am so proud.[except for arkansas and their anti-gay, anti-child bigotry]sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-40083819299673559142008-10-27T16:17:00.003-06:002008-10-27T16:29:00.545-06:00trickle?it's not even hypocritical, really, this 'trickle down' business. yes, it does trickle. trickle. no spout, no pour, no rush, no flood, no nile-meets-mississippi of prosperity. just a trickle, down-ish. flood up; trickle down.and so much for 'decoupling'. only insofar as everyone feels independently high on globalized leverage... IOU, UOMe. 'decoupled' insofar as each is starving, sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-60840971313338264102008-10-22T21:35:00.002-05:002008-10-22T21:40:31.651-05:00september-october, revisitedempire gore vidalcakes & ale w. somerset maughambrideshead revisited evelyn waughand then i was done, for the time being, with 20th-century gay anglo-american male fiction writers.so, now: lady chatterly's lover d.h. lawrence [ooh how i love you so]. one change at a time.new tonight, on deck:riane eisler's the real wealth of nationsgeorge soros's the new paradigm for sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-17650170636383077032008-07-23T12:58:00.002-05:002008-07-23T13:15:10.074-05:00cnpco' loveliness.especially love the blurb on "public welfare": We take caring for society and participating in public welfare undertakings as key elements of fulfilling our social responsibilities. We actively participate in disaster relief, educational donations and public cultural and sports events....and funding the perperators of genocide...what a shitshow...i am now a supporter.sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-82297879533977421112008-07-08T20:17:00.001-05:002008-11-13T14:56:55.889-06:00in lovethat's what happen when you see the man in person. he's hard to get out of your head.sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-4856679083047939902008-03-11T15:51:00.001-06:002008-03-11T15:51:33.641-06:00p.s. i'm moving.sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-18330600670303337402008-03-11T15:49:00.001-06:002008-03-11T15:50:15.466-06:00i can't believe i'm still here in the exact same place still waiting for the US to sign the bloody kyoto protocol... now we're the only developed nation who hasn't signed. puke.sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-62660128483708200862007-12-30T16:01:00.000-06:002008-11-13T14:56:56.020-06:00baaaacksalvaging attraction. remembering the progression; heart-palpitating iminence.i had a very merry christmas, too. lots and lots of love.sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-14561538372594831672007-09-30T16:47:00.000-05:002008-11-13T14:56:56.325-06:00smell it all over againreeks of anguish, irony, hilarity.sugar high...dealmaking, negotiating, trading. arcade fire tonight...sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-26684698884635512592007-07-25T11:12:00.000-05:002007-07-25T11:33:25.391-05:00random song lyricsi have a hard time writing song lyrics but they were flying last night. can hear the melodies and structures in my head but now need to recreate them with real chords. all mostly inspired by st. vincent's incredibly hot backup band. (3 men in fitted white henleys and thick suspenders. mmmmm.)peace camp nationpeace camp nationmy peace camp nationeat another hot dog, play another sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-52686092100690308792007-07-18T14:42:00.000-05:002007-07-18T15:07:46.095-05:00stickyfeeling decidedly un-literary, painfully practical. ready for a massage, and ready for the next round.air travel...sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-7609416510242109292007-07-09T11:45:00.000-05:002008-11-13T14:56:56.445-06:00critical beach goddessyes, yes, i was that girl on the beach sitting on a chaise lounge adjusting her cute bikini to avoid tan lines while reading essays from feminist aesthetics and attempting to remain blissfully unaware of the irony of that.good god, robert redford makes me swoon...sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-56295655405495751662007-07-02T22:45:00.000-05:002008-11-13T14:56:56.678-06:00diviningso many ideas. so many ideas. i meet the right people and they start exploding. i meet the wrong people and they swiftly implode. then the usual progression: me the monism; team; and now, the image of the tiny wrinkles at the edges of his eyes where he smiles.i cry very rarely, maybe too rarely. and i rarely feel the type of rage that mandates outward confrontation. even rarer is both, atsheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-15326876995506528742007-06-24T21:11:00.001-05:002007-06-24T21:48:08.114-05:00maybe if you weren't a bigot you'd be as hot as usso totally busy, so totally maxed out; but all's looking better now that there's team, opening, air conditioning and vacation. enough is enough is enough.experiencing true jazz openness, japanese-style; trying to not project bile on to the ambassador of uzbekistan who sits in front of me; memorizing monologues at the last minute; spying on sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-44036290020450823322007-06-16T23:30:00.000-05:002008-11-13T14:56:56.833-06:00big medicinewhat a quandry, what a shitshow; new forms of massive global structures of oppression coming into my view by the week, by the day, by the hour. take a pill so easily (covered by your hmo, besides), gaining comfort from the thousands of poorer people that haven't suffered in its creation (and not considering how many did). too comfortable and too risk-averse here, though, to take part sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-90922508136116207422007-06-12T09:34:00.001-05:002007-06-12T09:35:53.620-05:00'no man alive has earned the right to save me'sweden sounds so lovely.looks like i'm sticking with it for another year; now must teach myself to be content with such perfection.check out new band #120 today. she wowed me several months back [looking forward to upcoming album].in the meantime, am alternating between fabric and form, form and fabric, for inspiration. spent three hours last night insheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-19994930616111318282007-06-08T11:05:00.001-05:002008-11-13T14:56:56.951-06:00sell-offmarket down 3% in 3 days, running around with tickets, EUR shaky, sterling shaky, hedges pulling in gains, selling protection and buying to cover, up on the shorts down on the longs, emerging from bankruptcy, threat of defaults, cdx down, spreads up, yields down as everyone runs for cover in the fixed.and we're above it all, knowing that what's on the book might be down but everything is sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-65755701665737324262007-06-04T14:56:00.000-05:002008-11-13T14:56:57.536-06:00happy putinthis picture made my day:who knew he could smile so big? maybe he'd just finished watching this and was feeling pretty good about his country:[then maybe he watched this and cried...]sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-72824515009499146992007-06-03T21:02:00.000-05:002008-11-13T14:56:57.819-06:00spring cleaningdust-free and shiny. gobs of space and gobs of books -- feels so good. long phone calls (paris and the hague, ha) and conversations over flautas and talapia, chicken pot pie. yum.'and these two lipsmight soon eclipseyour brightest hopes.'projecting all of ones need onto a single object: feeling satisfied then needing more... 6 actors writhing on the floor, panting. took our time sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-20066570763998609592007-06-02T00:34:00.000-05:002007-06-02T00:44:15.614-05:00that doesn't matterbut this does.she doesn't know the right waybut she does. [there are several].stringing oh-so-many pretty phrases together,lollypopping them around as marbles clickingand she was prettyand he was confusedand then famineand then religionand then hypocrisy.hmmmm. riveting. you can kiss but just not touch, okay? bloody europeans.love now, love, and team. and team and love. on a sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-86984388643755232952007-05-20T13:29:00.000-05:002008-11-13T14:56:58.174-06:00shunningand as such, i turn my back and face something more beautiful in the unknown."may it be mine, beside demeter's altar to dig the great winnowing fan through her heaps of corn, while she stands smiling by with sheaves and poppies in her hand"i still fail to see what is pessimistic about the 'pessimistic meta-induction'. seems optimistic to me: the faith in something better. call me an sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-12855719776755968852007-05-16T10:58:00.000-05:002008-11-13T14:56:58.317-06:00flat-bed truckbent convexly to be extra strong.oh, natalya g, if i had $14k to spare i just might consider buying this piece of you...sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-2179273293526998512007-05-14T14:49:00.000-05:002007-05-15T09:18:59.230-05:00sign the goddamn kyoto protocol, already, you lameass.sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-3167824556374762562007-05-14T00:29:00.000-05:002007-05-14T00:39:25.050-05:00teamhappiest day in a long time. bowling until midnight (choreographing high-fives and fist pumps to the strikes and spares, turning in one shoe for collateral, the sole white people in all the lanes, all lanes grooving), burning off the high of performing for wendy knox, successfully warding off the temptation that one eighth of me felt all day, being cast in a musical about robots, being sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-80902896603932125262007-05-13T12:31:00.000-05:002007-05-13T12:44:13.306-05:00still grooving to tarkanis there a limit to how long one can dance naked in front of one's mirror to this guy? 'kuzu kuzu' at the moment:Işte kuzu kuzu geldimDilediğince kapandım dizlerineBu kez gururumu ateşe verdimYaktım da geldimIster at, ister öp beniAma önce dinle bak gözlerimeInan, bu defaAnladım durumu (bil), tövbeler ettimdesigning garden layouts in my head while i sleep, researching pushsheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-35568975615835234272007-05-12T20:34:00.000-05:002007-05-12T20:36:16.797-05:00so much to sayi'll shout it all out, eventually.[tarkan. love him.]sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-27715549928841116382007-04-12T16:01:00.000-05:002008-11-13T14:56:58.352-06:00goodbye kurt, hello lucinda.got in my mercury and drove out westpedal to the metal and my luck to the testbaby, sweet baby.[good ridance, imus]sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-38643581669125072502007-04-10T17:36:00.000-05:002007-04-10T17:46:53.595-05:00viva criticismbecause:dissent is patriotic.i can't settle in the face of imminent unsustainability.loving is caring enough to call bullshit.patriotism is dissent.lazy self-revelry is self-destructive.america ought to feed on dreams.there is no room for hope in a stagnant status quo.settling gives me no reason to wake up in the morning.acceptence kills action.i can't feel proud of something that sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-65968441537974676742007-03-31T14:49:00.000-06:002007-03-31T15:05:21.943-06:00continuityis elusive, now. so i fall asleep and wake up twelve hours later, revived. soup and long, easy chatter last night, warm and trusting.off to fake it as a knowledgeable photographer, now, the one who doesn't own a flash and who asks to borrow a tripod. but they're desperate and i'm willing; they're a poor nonprofit and i'm free; they're patient and i'm learning.am strong, in the way a sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-75211765465778148172007-03-29T17:14:00.000-06:002008-11-13T14:56:58.636-06:00electro-cisionnot only of the cells-of-weirdness, but the bad karma, the pain, the toxicity that was lingering. it was all purged, sealed safely away leaving me to be unencumbered and doused in love. to be home, unstructured [a skill to re-learn]. drowsing in and out of 5 episodes of duck tales eating goat-cheese spread onto crackers with so much care. beautiful company, yummy soup.wouldn't have sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-44243609786137545662007-03-21T09:59:00.000-06:002007-03-21T10:13:17.227-06:00joni joni jonii am on a lonely road and i am travelinglooking for something, what can it beoh i hate you some, i hate you somei love you someoh i love you when i forget about mei want to be strong i want to laugh alongi want to belong to the livingalive, alive, i want to get up and jivei want to wreck my stockings in some juke box divedo you want - do you want - do you wantto dance with me babydosheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-74630753579800944862007-03-20T11:21:00.000-06:002008-11-13T14:56:58.741-06:00walpurgisnachtleft work for lunch yesterday. a swell of determination and self-solidarity left me breathless at my desk; i listened and i left. sat outside, stared at the black olives half-overtaken by browned pizza cheese. gradually i finally let myself take a deep breath of true recognition: i'd done the right thing. i'd done the best i could. i was free, i was fine. i didn't know what, exactlysheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-61276869930232785812007-03-17T02:18:00.000-06:002008-11-13T14:56:58.894-06:00fickle, sour pieso that's done with, now. mission accomplished. a trooper, etc.mom's conclusion: buy a dress form! stat![a month ago it was like a funeral...]. this week i'll witness a birth. now to sound sleep schlafen sie (mnye nuzhna spatt!)sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-37385695973720345332007-03-15T07:24:00.000-06:002007-03-15T07:27:04.425-06:00[time for a song lyric...]every night that goes betweeni feel a little lessas you slowly go away from methis is only another testevery night you do not comeyour softness fades awaydid i ever really care that muchis there anything left to sayevery hour of fear i spendmy body tries to cryliving through each empty nighta deadly calm insidei haven't felt this way i feelsince many a year agobut in sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-48592295463384181422007-03-14T14:58:00.000-06:002007-03-14T15:04:51.564-06:00voice upjust had to paste this in for all to see...cute bloomberg rep at terminal training today had me blushing and too embarrassed to get his card. now i can't email with questions like everyone else in the room can. silly silly me! perfect glasses and a mop of black black hair. persistent bent of arm betrayed cautious insecurity beneath a polished facade, well tailored, relaxed confidence. nowsheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-66877828156478934632007-03-13T09:30:00.000-06:002007-03-13T09:59:34.060-06:00'eels slip down a treat'treat me, teach me. leach.this bullshit at walter reed has me down.sewing a lot. tracking the demise of new century. houses. sticky; tepid; friction. big game hunting this friday night...[and thinking about how cool this animated box set is.]kisses kisses -sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-39559532284264382932007-03-09T23:20:00.000-06:002007-03-09T23:40:53.293-06:00passagesjust gorged on sushi with the boys.thank you so much, anais nin [you have given my last weeks structure. a kindred soul. framing how i can understand myself, my weakness, my hope.]:'up to that moment she had only experienced a simple rebellion against the lives which surrounded her, but now she began to see the forms and colors of other lives, realms much deeper and stranger and remote tosheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-9531975340851018692007-02-28T16:35:00.000-06:002007-02-28T17:28:40.975-06:00addictionisn't it great, she said, that you know what it's like now. [learning to congratulate yourself every time you get through the day without succumbing]. constant struggle against myself, my habit. intense and all-encompassing. hopefully, productive.primordial scream and their voices were heard....sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-39847194116503846072007-02-17T01:11:00.000-06:002007-02-17T09:57:14.966-06:00eulogy no.3because there he is,all i [n]ever wanted.and to think that we were levitating, once,in the trees so high so farfrom the reality wherethere was something to be gained, something to be learned, somethingrelvant to be taken backto home, to bed.but not high up, not way up in the tree tops(there where beauty is but another form -most toxic - of denial).so i'll eat that fucking fruitlying sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-72863745071538077972007-01-25T13:14:00.000-06:002007-01-25T13:31:34.693-06:00davos watchingnot exactly sure why it's so exciting to me (the pieces separately just don't justify it), but i'm a junkie nevertheless. refreshrefreshing the blogs at the nyt and wsj. i'll try not to read too deeply into this current fixation as being an indication of who/where/what i am.was in san francisco on monday during the morning meeting. someone apparently asked where i was, to which my sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-38126670437591275022007-01-16T22:13:00.000-06:002007-01-16T22:19:59.150-06:00audacitywatch then give. i have butterflies.i'm in love, in so many ways. "katie all over the place", as she said.sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-52594268707898940002007-01-14T18:58:00.000-06:002007-01-14T19:12:09.487-06:00manifestostrucking through mountains like an artery. being forward about it, maybe.i told her the statement was great: a totality, complete, but still veiled in politeness, still with passion blurry. told her to write a manifesto. work the other extreme. formulating the extreme. articulating the frontier she senses. she smiled big big; i hope she's writing now, but i think she's picking out cows sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-83616864215777629332007-01-12T14:31:00.000-06:002008-11-13T14:56:59.085-06:00adjudicating. absolution.i'm becoming increasingly fragmentedas i ingest a vocabularythat's not my own.[one of the many things i saw this weekend. alexei morgunov's portrait of natalya/mikhail. i'd never even known it existed -- breathtaking, breathtaking.]sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-68306459191249817832007-01-09T09:46:00.000-06:002007-01-09T09:49:11.026-06:00lovelypatiently hatingdreaming causticforcing the intolerablebut what a lovely weekend. so beautiful. i'll need to write more about it...sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-71566595814958284762006-12-30T00:00:00.000-06:002006-12-30T00:07:36.445-06:00imbalance, atomizing.distinct, the feeling of being left-of-center, over-the-margin, one-sided. sits like a dead weight.late-nite date to cheapo. albums purchased:tim buckley - tim buckleysean lennon - into the sunfazil say - 3 beethoven piano sonatas [no, not moonlight. gack.]saul williams - amathyst rock starabove entails a happy camper. sort of. entrails of a happy camper. buiding a baracade sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-52492021744519815922006-12-28T23:19:00.000-06:002008-11-13T14:56:59.211-06:00spring sprung sproongcan i be? yes. [i think]. patent pending. stick it out.sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1166714248203129622006-12-21T09:17:00.000-06:002006-12-21T09:17:28.246-06:00i am my own oppressori am my own oppressor. self buckles under weight of a sympathetic tyrant. i am too strong, too arrogant, to let anything else oppress me. self is 'happy' because that's all there is to be. self is stifled, words lost, vision blurry, sharing breath sharing life from i, its sole dominator. i love my self. love expressed through control. self cannot see and goes forward, forwardsheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1165985353397398502006-12-12T22:49:00.000-06:002006-12-12T22:49:13.446-06:00a better placerecognition, reduxplace that hand carefully: please, please, do not unsettle that balance which i found,pure and unchallenged,on my nighstandthat morningafter trying to be allthe greater purpose dictated.spoken as a chant,i hear the echoesnow only as a metaphor -arbitrary -forgetting how once it was so literal:the harmonics trembling steadily,firmly, as they are nowwith your hand,sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1161266198261867092006-10-19T08:56:00.000-05:002006-10-19T09:10:02.380-05:00the egos come back on with the clothesit's all so simple [with hand on warm, soft stomach]. with the clothes returns the confusion and context of the day. harder to find the flow, then. have yet to evolve to the point where we can take on both the world and each other [two more worlds] at the same time.three universes, all expanding. no claim but an endless infinite overlap. the infinite is a lotsheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1156860979015744352006-08-29T09:16:00.000-05:002006-08-29T09:16:19.060-05:00moving moving [again]but this time actually ingesting, digesting, soaking up the spaces and making a home. waking up to find a bottle of wine and a note scrawled out on a paper bag. staining bookshelves a lovely shade of red and finally, finally, bringing all my books together in one lovely communion. a special place for my white album. enough space for a few ecosystems, existing in parallel and sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1143236078764838452006-03-24T15:34:00.000-06:002006-03-24T15:37:22.106-06:00background music over a landlineeerie, really, how vividly i can still picture his fingers dipping into rich modal chords on the keyboard. so near now, over that landline.so greatful for a best friend who understands it all [and can, with one phone call, get me all refreshedly psyched about living].i'm still not used to the taste of american coke. acidic, a little greasy, half-diminished meets sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1142031036199142342006-03-10T16:50:00.000-06:002006-03-10T16:50:36.260-06:00moving moving (stopping smelling loving)it's been a long time -- long enough so that now the 8.12 on the post below this struck me at first as being from august, not december. i guess that means i've arrived somewhat? arrived only to get swept off my feet, perhaps. i guess i am only prolific when i'm in love... so write, write away. it's a deal that i've bought myself into fully, suddenly, sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1134013337664673272005-12-07T21:29:00.000-06:002005-12-07T21:42:17.676-06:00there has been an expansive length of blogless time. during this time i have:- been the good girl- been the bad girl- worked 70 hrs/wk- attempted self-sufficiency- been lonely- been loved- read andrea dworkin- refined my questions- refined my determination- untied one-by-one the defaults/inevitables- released myself to a horrifyingly, tantalizingly open future of ambiguities- learned to be proud sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1129066442483943272005-10-11T16:34:00.000-05:002005-10-11T16:34:02.526-05:00vagabond
on a mobile in alumni center computer lab trying to get a copy of my diss by 4-o-clock.
'no no i would avoid saying anything about richard rorty in your application because one of the faculty might get offended and forward your app to the comp lit department...'
stupid. and, i do so love palm trees. i'd forgotten. but sorority girls in short shorts riding on phatty beach cruiser bikessheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1128837419929901732005-10-09T00:53:00.000-05:002005-10-09T00:56:59.933-05:00i did things, like, you know...sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1128142176619711462005-09-30T23:49:00.000-05:002005-09-30T23:49:36.673-05:00getting on getting on
very well actually, quite like an automaton but with no depressive shit going on except for excessive lack of communication with those people i love the most. blame it on the shock therapy that i seem to be doing -- communication with the outside world would confuse the process, perhaps. working umpteen jobs already, flat-hunting, intellect-sniffing, etc. will cool down andsheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1127270143678625552005-09-20T21:35:00.000-05:002005-09-21T09:32:59.896-05:00first things, shocking1) high-pitched, nasal, shrill sing-song voice saying "wail hail-loh there howcanaye healp yooh?"2) massive yellow hummer (massive posh pure-bred dog sticking its nose out rear window) in after-school carpool. skinny tight-bummed woman steps out to pickup her kindergarten boy (hyperactive, of course)3) banning UNFPA funding, again -- a little present in honour of my return(sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1126860241565522092005-09-16T03:40:00.000-05:002005-09-16T03:44:14.546-05:00from heathrow:goodbye, lovely fair nation.. you may have your own cankerous problems, but you nurtured me and taught me so much. i am truly a better person for all your patience. thank you so much... you will be in my heart always. i'll try to bring a bit of your wisdom with me across the sea...sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1126274184334036382005-09-09T08:54:00.000-05:002005-09-09T08:59:29.733-05:00sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1126223340274483572005-09-08T18:40:00.000-05:002005-09-09T08:31:20.463-05:00we are a plaid apparitionthe kisses come very lastin the darkafter watching the sky(black, pink clouds).so deliberately;as an eternity had gone bylike techtonic platesfrom when the evening started.those eyes keep smiling at me;standing at the bottom of the escalatorsfor long minutes face to face,with northern line thatawayvictoria over thereand i press a plum into his handand he keeps smiling.'sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1126051093217935892005-09-06T18:56:00.000-05:002005-09-06T18:58:13.223-05:00teshekuler, yaylajust after midnight, tuesday night, draft in hand. fresh bread and lentil soup, warm warm welcomes, tea with sweets. waited on carefully, asked all about the work and school, answer slowly and gratefully (their english is so much better than my turkish). nervroz my waiter needs a room and i know of one to let nearby - promise earnestly to return tomorrow evening with a name and asheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1125610836589761562005-09-01T16:34:00.000-05:002005-09-01T16:40:36.593-05:00yeah, i saw ya...... staring dumbly into diane sawyer's eyes... dodging point-blank questions about contingency plans... turning a hurricane into a nationalistic crusade against evil.and i'm sick of it all and i'm sure-as-hell sick sick of you. and practically puking all over myself at the prospect of again having your image forced upon me on a regular basis.[sorry, kids, for this being so sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1124479074732747032005-08-19T14:17:00.000-05:002005-08-19T14:17:54.786-05:00push that baby out!
and that's what i'm trying to do. and am doing it, bit by bit. with lots of help. (getting something out there into the world dontcha know).
NB- the title is most definitely not 'the consecration of tautology', though that is on the to-do list.
NB2- proposed premise: heartbroken people can't pump out 5k words of academia in one week. conclusion: ha! (even easier because, sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1123592964325943752005-08-09T08:09:00.000-05:002005-08-09T08:09:24.363-05:00beads in ma' bangs
for the stew
there - indexical - is a carrot.
choking on salt
because it's all
a bit cloudy.
and then, all gone,
me left wasted slightly
and wanting to punch
the cabbage back.
nothing here:
beans
and dead fish.
empathy so strong
feels the sun only
through that other
that other hurt,
with new leaves growing
from the dead dry stem
(doused in red wine.)
choose: solipcism
or sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1123412152946249112005-08-07T05:53:00.000-05:002005-08-07T05:55:52.953-05:00have i quoted this before? regardless, here it is again. gives me goosebumps.“anxiety eats at me whenever I cannot situate the geometric line organizing my powerlessness.” - fatima mernissi, dreams of trespasssheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1123250900391063592005-08-05T09:05:00.000-05:002005-08-05T09:11:20.140-05:00yeah that's right, that's my agency, bitchezzand now to laboriously paste in a song lyric in commemoration (thanks to arcade fire):somethin' filled upmy heart with nothin',someone told me not to cry.but now that I'm older,my heart's colder,and I can see that it's a lie.children wake up,hold your mistake up,before they turn the summer into dust.with my lighnin' bolts a glowin'I can see where I am sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1123023860883541022005-08-02T18:04:00.000-05:002005-08-02T19:41:01.746-05:00pitiful attempts at adversityyet i cry and cry all the same. how stupid.[too quick to judge but too eager to trust.]sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1122244008257436422005-07-24T17:14:00.000-05:002005-07-24T17:26:48.266-05:00her lover left (on a bus just before midnight)because that's what it's liketo feed a soul.poke at the scumon the windows;take a drag nowlong and hard.i need to makea decision.he hovers in the door.(pull out or pull in?)(you've made your decisionso now just commit.)squirrels don't eatfrom empty handsunless they've forgottenthe smell of food.wait one more thing -drops through the stairs,telling sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1122221217440817522005-07-24T11:06:00.000-05:002005-07-24T11:06:57.446-05:00c'mon parpiyevjust don't shed too much blood...sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1122073581182401372005-07-22T18:04:00.000-05:002005-07-22T18:06:21.190-05:00return flighthow unnerving to have it booked. just now, like that. so definite, more so than the expiration of my tenant agreement. sept 16 doesn't seem very far away; and why am i so scared?sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1122072497186626202005-07-22T17:40:00.000-05:002005-07-22T17:48:17.193-05:00heartbreak (small doses)and so it's just nice to have a lazy day at home all by oneself. west wing for breakfast, beatles anthology for dinner, dissertation somewhere in there in between. i stop communicating cold turkey upon the smallest initial dose -- bear the brunt now so i can party later. and there are no good reasons, just the recurring intrusion of the infinite with every bomb scare, an sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1121962433969420622005-07-21T11:01:00.000-05:002005-07-21T11:16:17.903-05:00otherizingbut i'm proud to live right by the finsbury park mosque. buying halal chicken from the egyptian butchers across my street makes me feel better. i'm not afraid when the bus passes the famed mosque, instead feeling solidarity with the world. at most i feel lonliness in my desire to connect and understand, the vacuum i feel instead of fear, the pity and guilt i feel instead of anger. my sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1120783028204851542005-07-07T19:28:00.000-05:002005-07-07T19:39:52.956-05:00bombs [in your hair]and it all becomes very surreal when it's so close to home and you see beyond the frame of every associated press photograph. yet, still, most people i know found out an hour or two afterwards when their lovies finally got through on the phone lines to see if everything was alright. eh? of course, why wouldn't i be? i picked up the phone to a "phew, i can't believe i finally sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1120350365419267292005-07-02T19:25:00.000-05:002005-07-02T19:26:05.426-05:00cuz you wanna just keep doin that thangwhich is why sitting at this clean desk in my own personal living room is so strange. flux flux flux, but why does the enlightenment always get primacy afterall? also: guilt is patriarchy, patriarchy is guilt. identity.lecture note parentheticalsgenius as orgasm.truth as tautology.right. more later - this didn't really count in its fragmentedness - just had sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1118368748353176362005-06-09T20:43:00.000-05:002005-06-09T21:14:17.536-05:00i just wanna live again, babe-ay... (how can you stop the rain fallin down?)airports are nice, to greet and hug and kiss and browse through newstands and watch the hustlebustle.broken glass in the kitchen. long story. but celebrate friend's end-of-exams by eating amazing chinese food in knightsbridge. talk big stuff while munching on crispy duck more perfect than i ever thought could be.love lovesheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1118252154722987782005-06-08T12:34:00.000-05:002005-06-08T12:45:46.523-05:00the beginnings of a new projectwas just born a few minutes ago. it'll grow up (i.e. get content and a nice layout) over the next few weeks. then i'll ask y'all to help get the word out ;)kisses!!!sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1118246369956189742005-06-08T10:59:00.000-05:002005-06-08T10:59:29.960-05:00donate ten bucks to IWPRsheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1118245418283415062005-06-08T10:43:00.000-05:002005-06-08T10:45:40.806-05:00uzbekistan, i weep for you.peace corps volunteers evacuated without getting to say goodbye, all their summer camps abruptly cancelled leaving hundreds of uzbek girls with sunken hearts, the few independent reporters remaining in the country being arrested by the militsiya, armed troops and metal fencing surrounding the andijon hospital where victims of the may 13th shooting lay (because they're sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1117628210412817972005-06-01T07:16:00.000-05:002005-06-01T07:21:03.063-05:00exam prepbecause it's in an hour. that means it's time to start studying, har har har....oh yes yes yes i'll tell 'em what i think.... as well as what all the white men said. of course.... (or, maybe i'll realise at the last minute that, well, a better mark will be had if i scrap what i think and exclusively say just what the white guys said...and of course praise them for saying it...because sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1117038694039169002005-05-25T11:31:00.000-05:002005-05-25T11:31:34.123-05:00a 'la-dee-dah' (and the world keeps turning)
best convo ever with best friend: a glow of optimism and unconditionality that will last for days and always. being explicit with guy for the first time [have not ruminated once in the last 45 hrs, a personal record]. applying for job about which i am empassioned. accepting impending failure of exams with perfect stoic dignity. conclusion? a helluva sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1116755210574622312005-05-22T04:37:00.000-05:002005-05-22T04:46:50.593-05:00read instructions before usesore sore throat, maybe strep, maybe psychosomatic, maybe relating to tension in left thigh. long long text messages in irish slang that induce painful, throaty laughter. notes spread out all over living room floor - trying to look sexy but failing ohsohard.meanings on toastsnuck in under the jamso that you realise it too lateafter bitter ingestionwith a face sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1116547722727165282005-05-19T19:08:00.000-05:002005-05-19T19:08:42.726-05:00promised picture from france:[playing in the gravel next to the town square after the market had packed up]and, a return of photos generally!!sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1116358692904432632005-05-17T14:38:00.000-05:002005-05-17T14:42:15.313-05:00an effort that have been involved with latelyintriguing and fun. am supporter, behind-the-scenes photographer, clipboard-carrying girl to make things look "official" when needed, impromptu crowd-stimulator and interviewer.... had to make a plug.in the meantime, shitz and thoughtz still there like always not channeling towards rational destination but finding somewhere else to be. but: it's so sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1116327788204153072005-05-17T06:03:00.000-05:002005-05-17T06:03:08.260-05:00hmmm
all this stuff in uzbekistan has my head spinning. at the same time happy and horribly frightened that shit's finally hit the fan... be strong! and karimov, stop torturing "your people"!! and condi, don't be lame! please! please!!!
phone lost, new sim sent, new phone bought... another cycle...
this seat's rumbling. ready to erupt, perhaps. tension tension, red cards yellow cards. finally sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1115716218120514452005-05-10T04:10:00.000-05:002005-05-10T04:10:18.233-05:00maybe a bit personal but i guess this is the forum for that
we talked about that pervasive feeling of 'otherness'. the one where it's the entire world and all the pain and you and you alone and you start to cry, sob uncontrollably, because there's no ground that you can find yet there's a responsibility somehow to make sense of it all, to heal, to trust to love, and you know its self-indulgent sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1115680097957034862005-05-09T18:08:00.000-05:002005-05-09T18:12:03.296-05:00weltschmerz und angst.but at least i'm not alone...!sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1115659922619537052005-05-09T12:32:00.000-05:002005-05-09T12:32:02.756-05:00camus's the outsider ---> reinvigoration re: death penalty ---> apply for job at aclu
a natural progression. tonight, am indulging in serious stalkage of obsession: ralph feinnes in 'julius ceasar' at the barbican. will try to contain myself. try....
styro-cups
hands the tea to me
silently
thank you
but maybe you
could kiss me
instead?
no no no
it's all in my head
spinning because
of course (sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1115578589241876392005-05-08T11:43:00.000-05:002005-05-08T13:56:29.370-05:00that america thinglooms there in the distance, daily emerging in my mind as something more demonic, more other, more of a monster than it was each day before. just receive small, patchy dispatches: the occasional tourists in my pub, phone reports from home, views from the british press. even the nytimes's most benign articles start to reek of nationalism. the thought of returning to it, or most sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1115306696838405442005-05-05T10:24:00.000-05:002005-05-05T10:30:13.756-05:00yes indeedy, a pathetic revival.thanks, ajeet, for calling me on that one. but now am concerned that the backlog of unsaid unwritten unverbalised whatevers won't be decongested, but that's okay.....??everyone around me hunched over, fifteen different colored pens and post-its and books books books and bits of chocolate hiding in their bags beside them that they grab and slip into their mouths sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5698570.post-1113174545461204692005-04-10T18:06:00.000-05:002005-04-10T18:09:05.463-05:00the return of THE BLOGyes yes yes it's a revival! get ready b/c am feeling fluidly verbal and communicative and free and unimpeded by whatever's been impeding whatever........pictures from france coming soon, hopefully, and thoughts on this big jeux we all play (be it wittgenstinian or otherwise...)also, the brother's making a big-time return to this hemisphere! oh oh am so excited to give him a sheshruggedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07636496209211259942noreply@blogger.com